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Archive for March, 2005
Multiple trifectasThis is too much for me to keep up with. It looks like we have several Death Trifectas going on here. Mitch Hedberg must be part of a DIFFERENT trifecta so I will rescind my latest death trifecta post and say that my original death trifecta is still open. The two contenders were (and still are) Jerry Falwell and the Pope. But I just found this out through CNN “Pope John Paul II has been given the last rites of the Roman Catholic Church as his health deteriorates, a Vatican source tells CNN.” And according to Kendra, Jerry Falwell’s condition upgraded to stable. And the Pope Death Watch continues….
The trifecta is now closedMy latest death trifecta is closed and it was completely unnexpected. 1- Johnny Cochran Mitch Hedberg was a pretty funny comedian who had a lot of one liners and small simple observations. You may have seen him on Comedy Central or heard him on XM Radio. Here are a few of his comments: - “At my hotel room, my friend once came over and asked to use the phone. I said “Certainly.” He said “Do I have to dial 9?” I said “Yeah, especially if it’s in the number.” - “I would imagine if you understood Morse Code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy.” - “In England Smoky the Bear is not the forest fire prevention representative. They have Smacky the Frog. It’s just like a bear, but it’s a frog. I think it’s a better system, I think we should adopt it. Because bears can be mean, but frogs are always cool. Never has there been a frog hopping toward me, and I thought ‘man, I’d better play dead. Here comes that frog…’ You never say here comes that frog in a nervous manner. It’s always optimistic. Hey here comes that frog, al-right. Maybe he’ll come near me so I can pet him, and stick him in a mayonnaise jar, with a stick and a leaf, to recreate what he’s used to. And I’m pretty sure I’d have to punch some holes in the lid, because he’s damn sure used to air. Then I can observe him, and he won’t be doing much in his 16 ounce world.” - “Swiss cheese is the only cheese you can draw and people know what you’re drawing. It’s the only cheese you can bite and miss. Hey Mitch, does that sandwich have cheese on it? …every now and then.” Damn you Falwell! Fraud alertMy Visa Checkcard has been illegally used at some school up in New York. Steven, a reader of this site, suggested that I place a “fraud alert” on my credit report just in case they have more information on me. The situation I’m in could easily snowball into some hellish experience. First of all, who knew I had readers other than my close friends. When I saw previous posts by “Steven” I thought it was someone I know from Las Vegas. But it turns out that this Steven actually works in the banking industry. Yay! But more seriously, he gave me some very good information on what a fraud alert is and how to place one. I went ahead and immediately took care of it. Now I would like to reproduce his post in the hopes that someone else will find this information useful. “You can place a fraud alert on your credit report free of charge. Contact the fraud department at any one of the three major credit bureaus: Trans Union: 1-800-680-7289 (http://www.transunion.com) The fraud alert requests creditors to contact you before opening any new accounts or making any changes to your existing accounts. As soon as the credit bureau confirms your fraud alert, the other two credit bureaus will be automatically notified to place fraud alerts, and all three credit reports will be sent to you free of charge. A fraud alert is a message that credit issuers receive when someone applies for new credit in your name. The message tells creditors that there is possible fraud associated with the account and gives them a phone number to call (yours) before issuing new credit. When you call the credit bureau fraud line, you will be asked for identifying information and will be given the opportunity to enter a phone number for creditors to call. An initial fraud alert lasts 90 days. You can remove an alert by calling the credit bureaus at the phone number given on your credit report. If you want to reinstate the alert, you can do so. If you are the victim of identity theft, you can place an Extended Fraud Victim Alert on your report by submitting a copy of a valid identity theft report that you have filed with a federal, state or local law enforcement agency. An Extended Alert will remain on your report for seven years.” Thank you Steven. It’s people like you that make the Internet a much better place. The gaping asshole worksI explained in a previous entry that people were hotlinking to my images, therefore using up the bandwidth that I personally pay for. So I renamed the files and substituted the picture of people wearing a tinfoil hat with a picture of a nasty gaping asshole. A few people have noticed what I had done and removed the images from their posts and websites. My favorite one was the one who also wrote this comment: A winner is me!!!!11 TrifectaingAs predicted, Terri Schiavo has passed away. There goes #2 in this latest death trifecta. We have: Who will be #3? Kendra says that her money is on Falwell because “the pope just won’t die.” And you know, I’d be fine with that.
I do not speak HebrewNor have I ever been to Richmond Hill, NY. But yet, they managed to post 2 charges to my Visa Checkcard account for $16.04 each.
According to my bank, my card was physically swiped on 3/01/05 at the Hebrew Academy of West in Richmond Hill, NY. The charges were then posted to my account on 3/9 and 3/10. This is obviously fraud. What scares me the most is that the checkcard has direct access to my checking account. Thankfully I have not seen any more fraudulent charges on my account. I have heard that sometimes thieves make one or two small charges to see if you notice before they go for the kill. The bank has acted very quickly on this. They have reversed the charges temporarily and they have closed my account and opened a new one. In the meanwhile they are going to ask the school for the card receipts that I supposedly signed. They will either be unable to reproduce them or they will be signed by another name or maybe even with my name with an incorrect signature. I’ll post any more updates as they happen. Feeding tube trifectaKendra had a good point about my latest Death Trifecta post. Terri Schiavo is not doing THAT well. Or so I hear. So maybe it will be her who is going to die in this trifecta instead of Falwell. Not that a Falwell and Pope trifecta would be anything to sneeze at. But since Cochran is already dead, then he is taking one of the 3 death spaces so either Falwell, the Pope or Terri is going to live. The trifecta of death never fails. The latest sign that points torwards a possible Pope involvement in the trifecta is the fact that he is now connected to a feeding tube. I wonder how long the Bible-thumping freaks are going to start saying Terri = Pope = Jesus. “It is a sign from God!!!!!111one”
More death trifectasBy now a lot of you know that I enjoy talking about death trifectas. Well, it’s that time of year again! Johnnie “if it doesn’t fit, you must acquit” Cochran has died and Rev. Jerry “gays make baby Jesus cry” Falwell is in critical condition and on a ventilator. Sure, he hasn’t died yet. But if he does, it’s time for the Trifecta of Death! And once again, I predict that the Pope will go this time (I gotta be right someday.)
Creepiest cake ever
Risking itLast night I was asked to play a game called “Risk”. I had seen it during my childhood years and I always assumed that it was a boring learning game disguised as a boring board game. And boy, was I right. First I have to choose a color for what I assume would be army men. I of course chose black, because that is the color that goes best with evil empires. So I find myself holding a plastic case full of black plastic items. I open it and I see that they are not army men, but instead, they are roman numerals. Freaking roman numerals! I’m asked to distribute my Roman Numeral 1s across different countries and then we rolled the dice and I guess I went first. What followed was 2 hours of rolling dice and comments such as: Do you remember the TV commercials? No one seemed to have fun. And just to prove my point, I did a search on Google Images for “Risk” and none of the pictures I found of people playing that game looked like the were having fun. This one was my favorite (I helped and added what the kids were thinking):
I did my best to lose as quickly as possible so that I could go back to watching TV. Instead I won. Without trying. Worst. Game. Evar.
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